This man used to be my hero.

Caryn James' new movie trailer column in The New York Times proves its mettle today, decimating the sorry, redundant and enormously dissapointing trailer for the sure to be sorry, redundant and enormously dissapointing new Harrison Ford movie, Firewall. As I've already mentioned, the trailer's only good feature is that it pretty much diagrams the whole movie out, turned tables and all, making it wholly unnecessary to waste your hard earned entertainment dollars and time on what's undoubtedly little more than a woeful rehash lusting for Ford's megastar glory days. Here's the relevant section:

The idea of high-tech security is about all that doesn't seem creaky in this trailer, which reveals the entire trajectory of the plot and invites viewers to make jokes at the movie's expense.

"I don't deserve you," Jack tells his wife at the start as he kisses her and heads off to work. Presumably he means that in a good way, but he looks so cranky you really can't tell.

Before long, Jack, his wife and their two kids are sitting in the living room while the villain — played by Paul Bettany, last in a long, unoriginal line of British villains — threatens them. And, no surprise, Mr. Ford soon goes into action-hero mode, defying the criminals and somehow turning into a guy with a gun and an explosive temper, the kind who can turn a coffee pot into a lethal weapon.

There's no evidence that seeing that transformation will be interesting. It was actually more fun to see him wander onto the Golden Globes stage, carrying a drink, which he handed to Ms. Madsen — she held it up and posed — while he opened the envelope to announce that "Brokeback Mountain" had won a screenplay award. At least there was the promise of something unexpected happening.

Sigh. I used to love the sound of Indy's whip cracking, but the closest we'll get to that now are Ford's creaky old joints. I suppose there's always some hope for the nebulous, perpetually-delayed prospect of Indy IV, but with childhood memories rapist George Lucas reportedly producing and writing, I suspect there's not much to look forward to there either.