Where there's smoke there's fire

We all know smoking is bad for you, often resulting in such symptoms as urine-stained teeth and an affliction doctors refer to as "Waffle House waitress smell." But until recently, the Justice Department was trying to put the hurt on the leaf-growers' coffers too. Turns out they were just playing mean, kind of like when your girlfriend gets out the handcuffs but gives you a "safe word."

"As he concluded closing arguments in the six-year-old lawsuit, Justice Department lawyer Stephen D. Brody shocked tobacco company representatives and anti-tobacco activists by announcing that the government will not seek the $130 billion that a government expert had testified was necessary to fund smoking-cessation programs. Instead, Brody said, the Justice Department will ask tobacco companies to pay $10 billion over five years to help millions of Americans quit smoking."

Afterwords, Brody insisted that the $120 billion check he'd been seen flashing to the limo full of coked-up hookers the night before was "a Christmas gift, and I don't know why anyone would think otherwise." Brody refused further comment, except to ask if anyone had a light.